Family 2013

Family 2013
Ohana means family. Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Where to start?

Well hello :) Anyone still out there?  I hate that I have  been away for so long.I missed blogging.But It was important for me to step away, curl up and heal a bit.   So much I would like to share with you and so much I cant. I hope sharing some , helps you to understand my silence. Maybe it will help someone who feels like they are all alone and hurting to know that, in fact you are NOT alone. And it WILL get better.Bad things do happen to good people. It really isn't your fault.It is meant to grow you. It is for God's glory.   Slowly the healing will begin. God's plan is not for us to understand (and I really really didnt) but to trust in. Have faith in. And follow HIM. Lesson learned. The hard way ;)

 It was hard to not just sit down  at the computer and let my fingers fly across the keys and let so many things just spill out. There were times when I really wanted to scream. And cry. And boy was I angry .And so deeply sad.  I wanted to shout to the universe " Really ? Are you frickin kidding me? Again?What else can happen? Why has this gotten so hard? Parenting is hard enough..but special needs brings with it a whole list of unknowns and struggles. Add in huge life changes and struggles.  If this is a test Lord please, I CAN NOT DO IT . SHOW ME what the heck we are doing wrong! Heavenly Father  why have you forsaken me?(dramatic much?)  Yes I was THAT upset that I believed the Lord had turned his back on us :(  I was so very sad that a part of me had shut down. I stopped talking with the Lord. I didn't think he was listening.I stopped being social. It hurt too much when everyone else was happy. Yeah, I was so numb inside. I am embarrassed to share that with anyone. I am a work in progress. I am broken. I am far from perfect. I stumble.And I did fall. Hard.  But I keep going. Trying each day to do better then yesterday. And somehow , it has gotten better. The giant sack of confusion and despair I was carrying around for over a year , slowly ,slowly began to empty. It all began to pour out. And the healing began.A women's bible study that my sweet friend Lindy House, invited me to was .my.undoing. The Holy spirit found me. He spoke. And I listened. LET IT GO. He said.-
 Share with me. Share with this group.
 The heck with anyone WHO JUDGES YOU.
 And I obeyed.
 And the healing began.
 I was able to toss the sack of crap and hurt and disappointment  aside ,shake off and finally see the beautiful world again. I have hope. I have joy. I have found my FAITH.Through it all I had to believe that my children were a sign that all is going to be ok. God would not have blessed us with these 6 beautiful gifts if we were not loved. If we were not worthy.
You know the saying 'God will not give you more than you can handle' NOT TRUE!!!!!
Katie Davis said it something like this in her book "Kisses from Katie"  -
God DOES  give you more than you can handle. He wants you  broken and reaching for him! He wants you to depend on him COMPLETELY!
Amen. Yes he does.

God does not forsake us. It is his plan, with all the bumps and twists and turns and pain. And the joy. He does make us stronger. He does know what we NEED verses what we THINK we need. Boy the STUFF we have let go! The "things" we really believed for a long time that we needed! Its shameful now really. I believed that charging up debt to give each of my 4 (at the time) children 10 or so big gifts EACH  at Christmas  was NECESSARY ! It is NOT Christmas without a ton of presents and debt right?? Isnt that what our society teaches us? :(:( Trust me. You .DO.NOT.NEED.IT. The big house? Had it. The extra fancy room just for show w all the decorations that you just look at but dont touch? Had it. The dining room we only sat in once a year for Christmas dinner? Yup. Had that too. 2400 square feet of 'stuff'. But very little room for children. God's real gift. Now? All of it gone. Except the children ;)

Ok back to the story-

Background, I grew up with a single mom, who worked 2-3 jobs at a time to care for my sister and I . She taught me compassion and giving. We had nothing, but she would give a stranger her shirt off her back if they needed it. We rented and had to move a lot. I think by the time I was 23 I had moved 10 times. Not happy moves but forced , hurry up ,grab your stuff moves. I longed for security.
My husband and I bought our first house when I was 22. By the time Isabella came home in 2006 we owned 6 houses. Each one (except for our home, which we built as a "dream"home) was bought as a wreck, and painstakingly renovated by inch by inch by my husband and myself. Occasionally family helped out. Nothing from the floors to the walls to the ceiling was hired out. Blood sweat and tears for our families security.
Then we lost it ALL.

Why? Lots of reasons. Kinda a scary snowball.  We were caught up in the lay offs of our renters. The crash of the housing market.Recession.  The desperate lies people tell when they want to take advantage of someone. The damage they do when they have to move and they are angry. On and on and on. Until..
We had to say enough is enough. Our family was sinking fast. The stress was too much. The savings were gone. But thankfully my husband had his job and our kids were healthy. We would survive.

So we moved to the country to heal. We adopted Taiya and Benji. We struggled with the guilt and the stress.
Wow was it a  HARD fall. Everyone wants to tell you what you SHOULD have done. Trust me. We tried everything. EVERYTHING.
God knew the plan. He had it all worked out. We kept moving forward. Believing in following Gods word.

Then we committed to Baby Anna :)
Then God told me she wasn't meant to be my child.  Heart break.Let her go. In less then 24 hours her TRUE family found her :)
Then a domestic situation came up with a BEAUTIFUL little girl from Taiya and Benji's  orphanage. We met the family who was disrupting. The baby girl who was 2 was stunning and had SO much potential. We knew she would fit perfectly. It was between our family and another big family with a heart for children. This other family is AMAZING. She became their daughter . We LOVE their hearts and she is perfect in their family . I knew it was Gods plan  But I was so crushed.I was still very heart broken over baby Anna.  But again it did work out the way it was meant to.  :):)
She is thriving and is SO loved.

We tried to buy our own home. Fell through.
We fought with the IRS for 10 long months over our adoption tax refund! They issued a letter demanding  we pay a fine of  a large fine!!!!!!!!!!!! 
We did nothing wrong. Just lovely.
Finally our Congressman's office put a Tax advocate on the case. We could not get a Tax advocate to help us alone.

She constantly made rude comments to the leasing company about our family size. It sucked. But boy did she LOVE that we paid early. Every single month.

November 2010 a friend saw Benji best friend from Ukraine on the New horizons website for Christmas hosting! We were thrilled. We signed up! Then someone pulled him from the list, due to his special needs or maybe it would have been too much for him traveling. We were crushed.
Michael asked if we could still adopt him? Yes.
Lets do it !!!

We took the leap of faith and commited to bring home the little boy we loved so much but had left behind.

 Sasha asking Michael if he was Papa?
 Giving my sweet Sasha one of many hugs during our visits! He was always looking for Michael!
 Love those LONG fingers and happy smile!
Benji and Sasha saying a final goodbye with their favorite care giver.
If you would like to see our fundraiser page and read our bio click the link to take you to our Reeces Rainbow page :)
click HERE

we have heard he is very skinny and a bit sad . He was transferred to a school for special need children. 

There are some other things in here that for now I will leave out.

In February 2012 a turn of events ONLY GOD could create.
I had been asking my Leasing agent who was a real estate agent to look for ANYTHING WE COULD RENT OR BUY ON LAND.We wanted away from this landlord.
She didnt send me one thing.The places I called didnt take animals or didnt call back after I said we have 6 children.
Landlord wanted us to buy her house for a HIGH PRICE . :(
I called on a house kicking myself for even daring to get my hopes up.
The lady who answered the phone was a put in our lives by God. I believe that connection was meant to happen.
Her daughter WANTS TO ADOPT! I can help with that :)
She knew of a house that needs work but was on 10 ACRES!!!! 
It was OWNER FINANCING.! They didnt care about our past bumps. They loved our family.

I saw the house on Friday. Michael saw it on Sunday. We put an offer in Sunday night. It was accepted Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!
10 days later we were HOME OWNERS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!
I can not tell you what a  humbling awesome feeling it is. NOTHING like buying any of our previous homes. NOTHING like it :) I cried when we left closing. I was so humbled. Wow.

The house is 1600 sq feet ;) with 3 bedrooms. BUT the garage is 1000 sq . can you say den and 2 more bedrooms ?? My husband has been a VERY.BUSY. MAN. :)

We have mailed our dossier to Ukraine! We are currently waiting a date to submit and travel . We are SO close to getting our sweet boy :)

House is not done yet. We have kiddos together in bedrooms. Flooring is in finally. Painting is done. Yard needs grass.  But no one is complaining. Because it is OUR HOME. And we love it.
A work in progress.
Like me :)

                                                 Kids all thriving at Christmas time 

the rest of the story will follow at a later date....


Kessor C. said...

Your new follower :)

Kessor C. said...

Your new follwer

"...Once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls knows that we know, and holds us responsible to ACT..." Proverbs 24:12

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." -(Mahatma Gandhi)