Fear vs. Excitement

We received our new number. Nice to have it confirmed :)

With the breaking into single digits, that part of my mind and heart that has been closed off to feelings , has slowly started to tingle a bit. (Creepy? Sorry :) I have started to let my mind "go there" and imagine my new daughter. How old will see be? Will she have lots of ringlets or just baby fuzz?~ Will she have beautiful caramel colored skin like my Boo or have a darker chocolate skin tone? How will she feel in my arms? Tiny? Heavy? Perfect! The Answers to these questions dont even matter to me. I trust in GOD. I know my heavenly Father has his arms wrapped around my sweet baby even now. He has plans for her. He has plans for us. I know this. He knows my heart. I trust GOD completely.

Then the changes from Ethiopian adoption program came. At first I didnt think about it too much. Trust right? Now the fears are creeping in. I respect Ethiopia and the people so much, I believe they truly have their children's best interest at heart. Whether that be to keep children with extended family or to allow them to be adopted. I know this new step requiring all children's files to go through the CA is smart and pro-active to avoid the problems that the Guatemalan and Vietnam programs ran into. After being thru the Guatemalan program and seeing so many new changes and new rules at every turn, NONE of which helped the birthmothers or children who are left hanging, I. am. scared. Sorta like having flash backs..more rules, more waiting, another kick out, more waiting...

I have been waiting 5 months to SEE my daughters face. To dream about her real sweet face. I was ok with that. I signed up for that. The thinking was that AFTER we knew who she was , I would be so busy planning to fly to Africa to bring her home in 2-4 months I wouldnt have time to ache and miss her too much. This new step may or may not delay that by several months. I waited on Boo for 6 1/2 months after I saw her sweet face. 3 months after I spent a week holding her and sleeping next to her. breathing in her sweet little breaths at night. It was TORTURE. With my agency (FTC) , they spoiled us with picture updates 2 -3 times a month! I saw each little change in her. I knew how much weight she gained each month. I think this new changes also prevent any new pictures being taken of our referred children by other parents traveling who are so kind to share the pictures with the waiting families. How will I ache to hold her and kiss her for months on end ? With out pictures? No idea. But I will. Somehow. With GOD's grace.